


Candace the Minion

by Kereea



Series: Perry the Evil-Adjacent Boyfriend [4]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Busting, Chemistry, Comedy, Gen, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 08:18:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17040149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: Uncle Perry’s sick, the boys are at Baljeet’s, and Candace needed help with her science homework. But when an agent mistakes Dr. D’s care package for Perry for an evil scheme, Candace busts his attempts to thwart Heinz in revenge.Prequel-fic.





	Candace the Minion

**Author's Note:**

> This is a prequel-fic that takes place the first winter after Perry and Heinz started dating.

 

 

 “Seriously, thanks for helping me out,” Candace said as Heinz led her to the kitchen to work.

 “It’s no trouble, really. Chemistry is one of my best evil science areas! I’m sure that will translate to normal, non-evil science!” Heinz said.

“So, like, there’s not going to be any agents or anything today, right?” Candace asked as she got her books out and sat at the table.

 “Eh, one might stop by just to check in,” Heinz said. “I called in Perry’s sick day, but they get suspicious when you call things off on short notice. Think you’re trying to avoid getting thwarted. We should be cool, I’ll let them in, they’ll look around while we keep working, and they’ll leave when they see I really haven’t got anything. No biggie.”

 “Oh, okay,” Candace said. “So you don’t have any inators done?”

 “I mean, there’s the old Shrinkinator, that’s still lying around, oh, and I’ve been working on this new—no, no, I’m going to monologue if that keeps up, and _you_ have homework to do. So we’re _not_ going there. Short version—nothing’s done,” Heinz said, sitting across from her at the table. “All right, so what’s been giving you trouble?”

 “Mostly balancing chemical equations, which is _weird_ because I’m pretty good at math,” Candace said.

 “Oh, yeah, you have got to do a lot of background memorizing to keep to the rules with this stuff,” Heinz said. “So, let’s start with the basics—turning water in hydrogen and oxygen. Nice and easy.”

.o.o.o.

 “Oh, so you have to add an subtract whole molecules sometimes to keep things even! And you just put it by the arrow!” Candace said. “Yeah, yeah, that makes more sense. Okay, so what about the-”

 Someone pounded on the door.

 “Just a _minute_!” Heinz called. “So, you maybe try the practice equations in that column and I’ll go handle the door. Good?”

 “Got it,” Candace said, pulling out her pencil and some paper. “Okay, nitrogen is…seven, so dinitrogen is going to be fourteen…”

 “Candace, this is Dwayne the Doberman, he’s new,” Heinz said. “Dwayne, this is Perry’s niece, I’m tutoring her.”

 “In evil?” Dwayne asked.

 “In eighth-grade chemistry,” Heinz said. “You can have a look around, lair’s upstairs, elevator’s that way.”

 “There’s a lot of nitrogen in these,” Candace mused over her equations.

 “Oh, yeah, nitrogen’s the dominant element in our atmosphere. Very cool stuff,” Heinz said as he sat back down. “Like, you’d think with how humans breathe oxygen that’d be a major, _major_ thing, but it’s only about twenty percent of our air. It’s in like _half_ the earth’s crusts as oxides, though.”

 “Isn’t rust an oxide?” Candace asked.

 “Oh, yeah, let me show you the equation for rusting, that’s a neat one!” Heinz said, taking a sheet of paper. “So, it’s a redox reaction of iron and oxygen-”

 “Did you build a rusting device?” Dwayne asked as Heinz started drawing the equation.

 “Not since Evil College,” Heinz said. “They’re kind of basic and really, a lot less things use iron than you’d think. Okay, so, the way you get the redox is—oh, hey, be careful with that!”

 “Why? Is it evil?” Dwayne asked, peering at the contents of the box.

 “It’s a _care package_ for Perry,” Heinz said. “I’m pretty sure tissues, tea, chocolate, and a freezer-headband aren’t evil, man.”

 “Freezer headband? What does it freeze?” Dwayne asked.

 “…Itself. In the freezer. It’s for headaches,” Heinz said. “And maybe fevers, I don’t know if it’s for fevers—anyway, just leave it alone. It’s not evil. Put it down!”

 “You seem very insistent that I not touch it,” Dwayne mused, eying the headband suspiciously.

 “Dude, they sell those all the time at pharmacies, I just don’t want too many people touching it before it goes on a sick person,” Heinz said.

 “What are these inside of it?” Dwayne asked.

 “I don’t know, freeze-gel-beads or something, seriously man, chill out,” Heinz said.

 “…Chill out? I knew it was evil!” Dwayne said, ripping the headband open.

 “What are you _doing_?” Candace yelled as Heinz complained about having to clean up the gel beads that were now all over the counter and rest of the care package. “That was for my uncle!”

 “And he won’t be freezing anyone now! Good day,” Dwayne said, heading for the door.

 “He has the flu, you idiot! He’s not going to be _doing_ anything!” Candace complained. “Get back here! I’m not done ranting!”

 Dwayne shut the door.

 “Jerk,” Heinz muttered darkly.

 “Oh, he’s _so_ busted!” Candace said. “Dr. D, give me a scheme to help with! We’re going to bust him for being a bad agent!”

 “…Well, I guess I could finish my Deflatinator,” Heinz mused.

 “Great! What’s it do?” Candace said.

 “Deflates things, mainly by altering the gases inside of them…hey! We could turn this into a chemistry lesson!” Heinz said. “Oh, wait, let me text your uncle. Need the all clear.”

  **To Perry—Candace wants to watch me work since my inator involves chemistry. Also she says she’s going to bust the agent because he made her mad.**

 “I hope he’s awake enough to text back…” Candace mused.

  **To Heinz—K.**

 “He says ‘K’,” Heinz said.

 “I think that means okay,” Candace said. “Yay! Let’s bust him to stop him from thwarting you!”

.o.o.o.

 “Now, watch the screen as I use my Delfatinator on this balloon!” Heinz said. “See how the molecules for all elements and compounds lighter than air are quickly bound together into new, heavier compounds!”

 “Oh yeah, the visuals so help,” Candace said as she watched the screen from the molecular microscope, taking notes.

 “Also, as you can see, the lower quantity of denser molecules takes up less volume overall, while also allows for a physical contraction of the balloon along with the decreased lift,” Heinz said. “Now, depending on how long it takes that agent to get back here, we can start trying to identify various compounds created as we use the device, or we could discuss how the volumes of gasses work-”

 The door was kicked in.

 “Ah, that was fast!” Heinz said. “Hello, Agent D, so nice to see you again. And by nice, I mean utterly upsetting!”

 A net dropped from the ceiling and captured Dwayne.

 “You see, Mr. The Doberman, I was very upset by you being so _rude_ earlier today. And so I decided ‘Doof, how shall I react? I know! Finish an inator and make him thwart for real!’”

 “I already thwarted you!” Dwayne said.

 “You thwarted a care package for my sick boyfriend, man, that’s not a real thwarting!” Heinz said. “Now, you shall be forced to witness as my _Deflatinator_ sinks the annoying campaign blimp of my brother, Roger!”

 “That’s what we’re deflating?” Candace asked.

 “I _knew_ you were tutoring her in evil!” Dwayne yelled.

 “You know, everyone hates campaigning in an off year, so is this _really_ evil?” Candace asked.

 “Well, I mean, I’ve got an off the clock minor working for me. Better to keep the schemes light and petty,” Heinz said. “So, now we shall-”

 Candace spun around at a sound, realizing Dwayne had finally sawed through enough of the net. “Dr. D! He’s out!”

 “Don’t let him get to the self-destruct!” Heinz warned.

 “Gotcha!” Candace said, pulling out her purse and whirling it like it was nunchakus. Dwayne laughed…until she clonked him on the head.

 “Hey!” the agent said.

 “Buddy, you’re about to learn the way of the bust!” Candace said, still spinning her purse as Heinz opened up the roof.

 “You think a purse will stop me—ow! Do you have bricks in there?” Dwayne yelped as she hit him again.

 “Commemorative 1990 Ducky Momo Lucky Study Rock,” Candace said.

 “…What?” Dwayne asked blankly.

 “Ah, the blimp is in range!” Heinz said.

 “Great!” Candace said.

 “Not!” Dwayne said, knocking Candace’s purse away. Candace ducked and rolled.

 “Oh, _no_ ,” Candace said, holding out her phone. “I’m _livestreaming_ the proceedings! It’d sure be _awful_ if a secret agent’s face got out on the internet!”

 Sure enough, Dwayne ducked behind a table.

 “Huh. Teenage girls sure have a lot of evil applications. I wonder if Vanessa knows about this…” Heinz mused. “All right! Time to deflate Roger’s campaign blimp!”

 “Whoa!” Candace said, ducking Dwayne’s hat as it nearly knocked her phone out of her hand. “You do know if you attack me _without_ the fedora it still looks bad, right? You’re a grown man and I’m a teenager. Like, a tall teenager, but still.”

 Dwayne threw a chair at her.

 “Oh, you are so out of ideas,” Candace said, dodging. “OWCA, if you’re watching, send this guy to improv classes or something!”

.o.o.o.

 “Well, that was certainly a callout,” Monogram noted. “Carl, is the popcorn done yet? This livestreaming thing is great!”

 “Even though our agent’s losing sir?” Carl asked as Candace dodged another chair aimed at her phone.

 “Well, Doof is only going after someone for campaigning in an off-year. Only so evil,” Monogram reasoned.

.o.o.o.

 “Mwaahaha!” Heinz laughed as the blimp started slowly falling. “Candace, would you like to evil laugh too?”

 “I’m good!” Candace said, ducking another chair. “You didn’t hit me with the first two, man, why would the third work? Plus, we’ve won!”

 Dwayne threw the fourth and final chair at the inator instead, making it blow up.

 “You fool!” Heinz laughed as he used the console to duck the explosion. “We’ve already won! The blimp is deflated! Evil triumphs!”

 Dwayne’s watch started ringing.

 “Someone’s in _trouble_!” Heinz sang happily.

 Dwayne glared at them and cringed when he turned on the watch and heard yelling. He showed himself out, head hung.

 “So, cleanup, new care package, and home?” Candace asked.

 “That’s the gist. Do you need to charge your phone? I have a car charger in the van,” Heinz said.

 “Oh yeah, definitely. Ooh, man even with your wifi that probably used a lot of data. Worth it, but a lot of data,” Candace said.

 “It’ll be okay,” Heinz said. “So, let’s clean up this mess and then get your uncle a new freezer-headband!”

.o.o.o.

 Perry groaned as he woke up. The flu always made him feel like his head was full of cotton in the _worst_ way.

 Phineas and Ferb had left a note on the bedside table letting him know they were back from Baljeet’s. Hm. What time was it? He grabbed his phone, not wanting to look around for wherever he’d buried the clock after it had woken him up this morning.

 Perry blinked when his phone unlocked to the messaging app…right, right, Heinz had texted him about…something. He re-read the message.

 Then he read his own reply.

 …How _high_ on cold medicine had he been, exactly?

 He tossed on his shoes and headed downstairs, intent on getting the boys to stay put while he called Heinz and asked how the _hell_ Heinz could have thought he’d have given an answer like that in his right mind-

 “Whoa, _whoa_ , where’s the fire?”

 Heinz? In the house? What.

 “Uncle Perry, are you okay? You still look really pale,” Candace said.

 Perry looked between them and asked what about the agent.

 Candace grinned. “Busted him _so_ hard! They’re probably sending him back to agent school!”

 “And then we had to stop by the pharmacy to make you a new care package and then it was late and we hadn’t heard from you so I decided I’d just swing over and handle dinner,” Heinz said. “Seriously, Perry, sit down, here’s a chair, you’re swaying, Perry, you’re swaying.”

 Perry stared at the both of them as Heinz forced him to sit. At least Candace seemed fine, happy even.

 “Hey, Dr. D, is dinner—Uncle Perry, you’re up!” Phineas said happily. “Dr. D said to just let you sleep, so we tried to be quiet.”

 Perry nodded, and asked Candace why she’d been mad at the agent.

 “He _ruined_ the care package Dr. D made! Because he was a rude, suspicious jerk,” Candace huffed, folding her arms. “So I busted his butt!”

 Perry put his head in his hands. Of course.

 “Perry, are you hungry? I made noodles,” Heinz said.

 Perry signed that he’d just have some plain ones. Warm food sounded great, but his stomach had been acting up.

 “Yeesh, you’re still burning up,” Heinz said after checking Perry’s forehead. “I’ll call out for the next two days too, you need to rest.”

 Heinz went to wash his hands while the kids all asked Perry if they could help or anything, if he needed them to be quiet tonight and tomorrow or maybe stay out of the house-

 Perry waved them off. He’d been sleeping just fine and told them as much.

 Heinz served the noodles. “If you want, I can stay over. You’ll probably recover better with a good breakfast and not worrying about the kids getting to school on time. That couch in the den looks big enough.”

 Phineas and Ferb shared looks, and Ferb nodded.

 “Ferb says you can have his bed, we can share,” Phineas said. “It’s better than the couch.”

 “Thanks boys. What do you say, Perry?” Heinz asked, cutting apart a meatball.

 Perry signed that Heinz was _wonderful_.

 Heinz blushed, “Aw, and you’re sweet when you’re fever fogged.”

.o.o.o.

 “Hey, Dr. D? Thanks for taking care of Uncle Perry,” Phineas said as he and Ferb crawled under the covers.

 “Hey, thanks for letting me have a bed,” Heinz said, tucking them both in. “So, I’m probably going to hang around here tomorrow in case Perry needs anything, you want me to look over any of your blueprints?”

 “You could try the frog suits,” Ferb said.

 “Oh yeah, we cannot get those properly amphibious without them drying out way too soon,” Phineas agreed. “That, and can you look at our catapult designs? Something feels off with the new ones, and I don’t know what.”

 “Sure thing, it’ll give me something to do,” Heinz said. “I’m going to go check on your sister, okay? Leave the light on.”

 He headed down the hall and knocked on candace’s door.

 “Come in!” Candace said.

 “Just wanted to make sure you were okay. Today was, well, you did bust a good guy,” Heinz said.

 “He needed busting, I’m cool,” Candace said. “Maybe he’ll get manners now.”

 “That’s the spirit,” Heinz said.

 “So, like, I know you’re evil and all, but today was…fun,” Candace said. “Thanks. And for the chemistry lesson. And dinner. And taking care of Uncle Perry.”

 “Anytime, Candace. Goodnight!”

 “Night, Dr. D,” Candace said as Heinz shut the door.

 Heinz grinned. He really loved this family.

**Author's Note:**

> And thus OWCA learned the value of livestreaming and classified Candace as a minor threat, while Candace and Heinz got to bond.


End file.
